On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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