Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
