Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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