My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
