if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
