I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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