I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
