My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
