Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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