This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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