I could make wine with my vomit
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
