mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
