can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
People in love make me want to vomit
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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