I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
