woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
