I'm going to jail i love you
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
