i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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