I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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