I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
