Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
