I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
