I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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