that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
FUCK WHALES
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
