Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
