I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
