You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
