also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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