just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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