Pants 0. Shit 1.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
