I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize