I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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