I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
