She is in my trunk
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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