I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
