this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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