why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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