if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it was like having sex with a tree stump
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We need to get me chipped asap
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
