yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
