Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
