I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
