i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
