1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize