Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
