the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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