She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
