um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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