You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
