I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize