yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
