Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
