you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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