Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
