youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
