im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
