I think my fart just growled at me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
