Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
