So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Someone signed my nipple.
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