Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
wow bdsm is so cute
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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