god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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