Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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