I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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