was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
