You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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